MOM AND TEEN DAUGHTER ARE IN CONSTANT BATTLE
QUESTION: My teen daughter, Cynthia, and I have incredible fights sometimes. No one has ever gotten to me in quite the way she can. We actually yell at each other when these battles are going on. How unusual is that kind of conflict between mothers and daughters? And is there hope for us?
DR. DOBSON: Unfortunately, it is very common. Many psychologists have described a "thing" that occurs between some mothers and their teenage daughters. Even though they love each other, the friction between them can generate a lot of heat. It probably results from a phenomenon that has been called "two women in the kitchen" -- a kind of natural competitiveness that occurs between females in the family. It can also be caused by a mother's inability to cope with an extremely difficult and antagonistic kid.
Whatever the source, it can make life unpleasant for several years. I know women who would give their lives for their daughters, yet they say with fire in their eyes, "I don't even like her very much right now." That appears to be what you and your teenager are experiencing at this time.
Is there hope for a better relationship in years to come? Yes, I believe you will overcome it. Getting Cynthia through adolescence and into adulthood will change everything. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't become one of your best friends down the road. So, take heart. A better day is coming.
QUESTION: But what can we do in the meantime? How can I deal with this wildcat who lives under my roof?
DR. DOBSON: Before I answer, tell me what your husband's relationship with Cynthia is?
QUESTION: It's very good. She doesn't pull the same stuff on him that she does with me. What are you getting at?
DR. DOBSON: He may hold the key to the tension in your home. Fathers can play a valuable role as peacemakers and mediators at a time like this. They can help you ventilate anger and find acceptable compromises where they are appropriate. Cynthia may listen to her dad. When teenagers are greatly irritated with one parent, they will sometimes draw closer to the other. It's like a nation at war that seeks supportive allies. If fathers are favored in that way, they can calm the troubled waters and keep two women from killing each other. Without this masculine influence, routine skirmishes can turn into World War III.
QUESTION: How early in life is a child capable of making a strong-willed stand in defiance against his or her parents?
DR. DOBSON: Depending on the temperament of the individual, defiant behavior can be displayed by very young children. A father once told me of taking his 3-year-old daughter to a basketball game. The child was, of course, interested in everything in the gym except the athletic contest. The father permitted her to roam freely and climb on the bleachers, but he set up definite limits regarding how far she could stray. He took her by the hand and walked with her to a stripe painted on the gym floor.
"You can play all around the building, Janie, but don't go past this line," he instructed her.
Dad had no sooner returned to his seat than the toddler scurried in the direction of the forbidden territory. She stopped at the border for a moment, then flashed a grin over her shoulder to her father and deliberately placed one foot over the line as if to say, "Whacha gonna do about it?" Virtually every parent the world over has been asked the same question at one time or another. That's the way some kids are made.
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Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, CO. 80903; or www.family.org. Questions and answers are excerpted from "The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.
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