Real Life Answers
A few months ago I found out my best friend was stealing.
A few months ago, I found out my best friend was stealing. Not just from stores, but from me and my friends too. My friends and I told her how we felt. She seemed really sorry, and for a while, she stopped. Then, just a few days ago, she confessed that she'd stolen a shirt from me a few weeks earlier. I think she's a kleptomaniac. I've prayed and I've talked to her about it, but I can't trust her anymore. We've been friends since first grade and I don't want to lose her as my friend. What can I do?
There are several reasons why your friend may be stealing. Authorities on the subject say compulsive stealing is often a result of a person's poor self-image. It sounds like your friend definitely has a serious problem that's larger than anything you can fix on your own. Your friend needs the help of a professional Christian counselor who can help her overcome her compulsion to steal. With that in mind, I want to focus on your concerns about keeping her as a friend.
Yes, she has a problem. But the fact that she was honest enough to admit that she stole from you offers a little bit of hope for both of you. She obviously wants to keep your friendship. And for now, that's enough to go on. This may sound crazy, but I don't think you have to trust her to remain her friend. Sure there must be some basic trust, but you don't have to give her your full trust. You can show her care and friendship even though you don't have complete trust in her. In some ways, this will be a one-sided friendship. You may end up doing more giving than getting for a while. Until she gets help and stops stealing, you can fill your need for trustworthy friends in other relationships.
She clearly trusts you. She knows you're the kind of friend she needs to help her get over this problem. If she didn't feel that way, I doubt she'd have listened to the concerns you and your other friends expressed. I doubt she would have told you about stealing your shirt. And I doubt she'd still be interested in having any kind of friendship with you. So she wants to hold on to your friendship.
With this in mind, I encourage you to tell her that trust is an important part of a healthy friendship, the kind you want with her. Tell her how much you care about her and that you value the friendship you share. Let her know that her efforts to be honest about her problem are good steps toward earning your trust. No one is perfect, so assure her that's not what you expect from her. But help her see that her stealing is unacceptable. Encourage her to keep on working to overcome this obvious problem in her life. If she's open to seeking the professional help she needs, do what you can to help her find it. Offer to pray with her, and let her know you're praying for her on your own. Help her build other solid friendships with Christians who can do the same.
There is a pretty incredible story in the Bible about a time Jesus encountered a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. The people wanted to kill her because that was what the Old Testament told them they could do. But Jesus taught a new way of doing things. He looked out at the woman's accusers and said, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." When the people in the crowd heard these words, they dropped their stones and went away. Jesus then had a deeply personal conversation with the woman. He said to her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" She replied, "No one, sir." Then Jesus looked her in the eye with love and compassion and said, "Then neither do I condemn you. Now go and leave your life of sin."(You can find this story in John 8:3-11).
Jesus is a good model for how you can deal with your friend. Jesus didn't approve of the adulterous woman's sin. He didn't just ignore her sin. He told her in strong words to stop sinning. But he also chose to not condemn her, even though he had every reason to.
You have plenty of reasons to end your friendship with this girl, but it sounds like you want to keep it. Good for you. You don't have to tolerate your friend's stealing, but you can show her compassion. When your friend experiences true grace, it might cause her to get rid of this sin in her life. Hang in there with your friend, if you can, and you may just help her change her lifestyle of stealing. The combination of God's help, possibly the help of a professional, and your friendship may be the keys for your friend to choose the better road.
" This question first appeared in the "Let's Talk" column of Campus Life
Magazine, a publication of Christianity Today International. Used with
permission."
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